Success at Work - How to Network and Influence Others
Recently published in The Independent on Sunday – in association with Pearson
The Role of Rapport
We all need people in our lives – to love us and to be loved, to buy from and sell to, to coach and be coached, to teach and to learn from, and to enjoy life with. The results of your interactions with each individual will be determined by your ability to get on with them, to be influenced by them and to influence their thinking and behaviour. Whatever you do, your ability to influence others in all kinds of ways is important if you want to be more than a passive onlooker. Whether you are buying, selling, managing, leading, coaching, mentoring, parenting, relaxing or having fun, your degree of success in all these areas will come down to your ability to influence, and this requires skill in building rapport quickly.
Think about times when other people have tried to influence you. Perhaps you have experienced a pushy sales assistant or a prescriptive boss or an overbearing partner. How did you feel at the time? Think of a time when you were enticed by a sales assistant – what did he or she do that enticed you? Would you warm to someone whom you felt had no respect for you? Would you feel comfortable with a person who makes no attempt to understand your needs? Probably not. Strong rapport is required to hold up a strong relationship – much like strong foundations will hold up a tall building.
The Role of Respect in Building Rapport
In order to build rapport you must first decide to respect the other person’s perspective. If you attempt to fake rapport you will get caught out – people pick up your true motives and feelings through your body language and tone of voice. So, if you are insincere, it will show. If you want to create rapport with someone, you must do it from a position of respect and a genuine need to understand them and seek win/win outcomes. When you feel congruent with your outcomes, identity, values and beliefs then your behaviour with follow naturally.
Matching and Mirroring
Observe two people , deep in conversation; if they are both engaged in the exchange they will unconsciously copy each other’s body postures, movements, voice tone, pace and breathing. Sometimes they do it exactly, other times they mirror each other. It’s like dancing to a rhythm. You can use this as the foundation for building rapport with anyone you choose – in NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) it’s called matching and mirroring.
Basically, people like people who are like them, so a sure way of building rapport with others is to be like them. You can build relationships and influence a wider variety of people by becoming consciously aware of what you do when you naturally have rapport. When rapport has been lost, you can take decisive action to rebuild it.
Using Your Body to Build Rapport
There is a common misconception about body language – that you can interpret what it means. If you base your approach to people on your interpretation of their body language you will get it wrong much of the time. Interpretation will not get you very far. It is more useful to use what you notice about a person’s body language in the matching and mirroring process. So crossed arms doesn’t necessarily mean that somebody is closed, they could just be feeling comfortable that way. If you also fold your arms you will be joining them in their ‘dance’ and they will fell comfortable with you. However, knowing how people have a tendency to interpret body language and often get it wrong, you need to be aware of your own as others are likely to be making judgements about you from your posture, gestures and tone of voice.
Matching and mirroring body language is a highly effective method of creating rapport. At first it might seem a little wooden, but as you practise it and learn to do it naturally, no one notices. It is an unconscious process. To be proficient at it requires you to overcome any apprehensions you might have. It’s like learning anything – practice makes it easier to do. Things that you can usefully match include:
- Physiology – body posture, position, movement, gestures (when you are talking), breathing rhythm
- Voice – tone, speed, volume, pitch, timbre, rhythm
- Language – key words
- Values (personal and intrinsic) – what people hold as being true and important
- Experience – common interests
Matching and mirroring takes place at the behavioural level. Think back to a time when you felt awkward building rapport and it just wasn’t working, not matter what you tried. What was going on for you? Was it anything to do with the mirroring and matching or was it more to do with what was going on inside your head? Using the above list to match and mirror, how would you create rapport with a two-year-old child? How about a teenager? A pensioner? A particular person you want to influence at work?
How to Match and Mirror to Create Rapport
- Think of someone you have not seen eye-to-eye with – where a better relationship would be good for you both. Image meeting this person.
- Notice their posture and body language, and match or mirror it. You don’t need total precision when matching. Are the arms folded? Is the breathing fast, slow, shallow or deep? Are the legs crossed? Notice the gestures, and use the same gestures when you are speaking. Raise or lower you voice tone and pace to match. Above all, be curious about what they have to say, and acknowledge that you are listening. When you speak use the same words as they do wherever possible rather than substituting your own preferred works – for example, don’t use ‘shop’ for their ‘store’. This might seem unnatural, but it works. It is giving the other person a very strong message that you are a lot like them.
Be open and willing to be influenced by another person’s perspectives. If you attempt to gain rapport and yet show no interest in understanding the other person, you are unlikely to succeed. Lasting rapport requires sincerity and receptivity – so work on understanding the other person’s unique perspectives of how things are, and leaving yours aside. Time taken creating and building rapport will pay dividends in the influencing process.
Brilliant NLP Website – included example chapter
To find out more about rapport building from a personal or business perspective, contact us on 0870 762 1300.
