Say what you mean!
I recently stood behind a young mother in a supermarket queue. Concerned for the new shoes she had just bought her toddler she warned ‘don’t you dare throw those over the side (of the push chair)! The child who hadn’t noticeably been contemplating such an action now had a great idea. She skilfully retrieved the shoes from the foot of the pushchair and threw them with great gusto and a large grin on her face as far as she could over the side.
Many years ago there was a brand of cigarettes which used the advertising slogan ‘You are never alone with a Strand!’ Sales plummeted and people changed to other brands because they didn’t want their friends and colleagues to consider them lonely.
How many things can you hear yourself saying to your colleagues, partners, children and friends which start with ‘don’t’ or something similarly negative?
“Be careful don’t spill it!”
“I really don’t want you seeing that boy again”
“Make sure you don’t copy that e-mail to the bank manager”
“Make sure our customers don’t go to our competitors”
“Don’t hang about after school”
“Don’t forget …..”
How about notices we see every day?
“Speed kills”
“Don’t walk on the grass”
“Don’t spread germs”
“Don’t panic”
When your mind hears these statements it hears an unconscious command. ‘Don’t spill it’ becomes ‘Spill it”, Don’t send a copy to the bank manager” becomes “send a copy to the bank manager”. It’s almost as though you have been given another idea just like the toddler in the pram. The mind hears “send a copy to the bank manager” and in the absence of anything to replace it with, unconsciously stores the command, ie, the very thing you have been warned not to do.
So what should the mother have said to her toddler? In this instance probably nothing because the toddler hadn’t even been contemplating throwing the shoes out of the pushchair but if she had then the secret of success is to make sure the child hears the statement in terms of what is required not what isn’t. For example – “Aren’t those shoes going to look really pretty on your feet?” would have perhaps aroused the child’s curiosity and achieved the mother’s objective at the same time.
“Make sure you keep it in the cup” is better than “Don’t spill it” focusing the mind on what is required and allowing it to make the appropriate adjustments.
Golfers often find themselves in the bunker having distinctly told themselves they don’t want to go there. People often flunk interviews or presentations having told themselves not to.
Try these –
- During the course of 1 day make a point of noticing how many statements you formulate in terms of what you don’t want. Practise turning them round into statements about what you do want.
- Do the same for things you say to yourself.
- Listen to people in queues and other public places and notice just how many statements they use that trigger exactly the behaviour they are not looking for. Mentally construct a new way to say these things.
- Listen to the radio and television for similar examples and practise constructing better ways to say things.
By saying what you mean you are far more likely to achieve a positive result. Have fun!
Pat Hutchinson
Quadrant 1 International
