I don't do small talk!
We often hear people say ‘I don’t do small talk!’ The implication is either –
- I am far too busy or important to get involved in passing the time of day with colleagues and friends or …
- Actually I am petrified of you and I don’t know how to talk to you so I’ll just keep myself busy instead
When I hear this comment on our programmes I encourage delegates to reframe their thinking – Its not small talk its BIG talk! Under-estimating the value of BIG talk can seriously damage your career. What if during a seemingly innocent chat with someone you:
- Found a common interest which could stand you in good stead when you next need support for a project
- Picked up a recommendation of someone who could help you with your current challenge
- Highlighted an opportunity to help someone – a credit in the favours bank – you never know when you might need it
- Agreed an opportunity for a brainstorm
- Managed to lighten the load for someone else by listening to their perceived problem
- Heard about a success in another part of the organisation which you could act upon in some way
- Discovered something the competition are doing
Why do you think people join clubs, have business lunches, organise entertainment for colleagues, attend networking meetings, join forums on the internet – its all in the interest of information exchange.
When we ask people about their reluctance to engage in conversation the underlying causes are manifold. They include:
- I don’t have anything to say
- Low self esteem
- I might appear nosey
- I might be seen to be time-wasting
- Its only important to discuss work
- It might waste my time
- I find some people intimidating
- They are not going to be interested in me/my issues
- I find it difficult to say what I really think/feel
- Its easier to send an e-mail
- What if I say the wrong thing?
So as you go through all this internal dialogue, most of which incidentally is a series of misconceptions (imagine that! you’ve been fooling yourself all this time), you are inadvertently communicating something to people around you. For example they may be picking up that you are unapproachable, disinterested, remote, aloof, awkward, difficult or superior – and I’m sure this was never your intention. The more you opt out of BIG talk the more people will perceive you in a negative way and the more alienated you will become from the people around you. So what can you do about it?
BIG Talk is easy
The secret is in identifying a person’s focus of interest and then building rapport by pacing and leading. There are only 5 things on which people focus and they give away their preference so easily –
- Location
- People
- Things
- Information
- Activities
Location
These people are very aware of their environment. They will want to work in pleasant surroundings, their offices and homes will be nicely decorated and the view from the window will be important. If such things are out of their control they will go to great lengths to make sure the space they do have control over is pleasantly organised. Their holidays will be more about where they go than what they are going to do when they get there. To communicate with these people the opening gambit will be focused on the environment, eg:
- You’ve got a great view from here
- Is that a photo of Mount Everest?
- I hear you were in Cumbria last week did you get a chance to take in the scenery?
People
These people will tell you all about their friends, family and team and are likely to surround themselves with photos of their dear ones. They ask you about your family and expect you to do the same, eg:
- How’s Mary (partner)
- Have the kids settled in at the new school?
- How is Jo coping with his new role?
Things
These people are interested in your new car, mobile phone, motorbike, computer, TV, fridge, dining suite, clothes and so on and so on. They are likely to greet you with something like:
- Wow I see you have upgraded your ……
- Have you seen one of these? (producing latest gadget from pocket)
- Love the outfit
Information
These people are into books, reports, statistics, data, documentaries – they fill their heads with all kinds of information and appear to be in a perpetual pursuit of more. Their opening gambit is likely to be:
- Did you see the documentary on …. the other night?
- What do you think of the report on the ……..?
- In his book (title) A J Smith says (quote)
Activities
These people like to be doing things. Their conversation will be around what you or they have been doing recently, eg:
- How’s the golf/squash/yoga/tai chi going?
- What do you think we should do about ….?
- I notice you took an active role in getting that …… completed recently
Having established a person’s preference, building rapport and conducting small talk is easy. Simply match it and join in for as long as it takes to lead the conversation in a direction of your choice. People will not only see you are interested in them but will unconsciously think of you as an interesting/approachable/friendly/trustworthy person. Have some fun trying it out and notice what an impact such a small change can make on your environment and relationships.
BIG talk is powerful!
Pat Hutchinson
